What could have been is now gone

 Well I have to say Mike and I are definitely ready for a new year. 2021 was a sad year for us. At the beginning of the year, we found out that Mike's dad had brain cancer. He passed at the end of October, the day after my grandpa had also passed. In November, Mike and I found out we were expecting. We were so excited to have some better news for the family. 

A few days before Christmas we had our first appointment. I was a day shy of 9 weeks. I had felt a little different this pregnancy and didn't think anything of it even thinking maybe it's a girl. Mike and I were expecting to take our little pics home to share with friends and family. Something was wrong though. The midwife couldnt find the baby. I immediately panicked and we were sent to the hospital to get a better visual with their machine. I was told maybe I was earlier than I thought or that it could be a missed miscarriage, but not to think of anything until we got more info (easier said than done). 

Then after an excrutiating wait we finally got the other ultrasound. The tech immediately found the baby, but couldn't say anything else. We felt relieved, but an hour later the mdiwife called to tell us that even though the baby was seen there was an incredibly low fetal heart rate. We would know more at the next appt, but I was likely to miscarry and if I were to bleed heavily to go to the ER and to hang in there. What a terrible phone call and terrible news before Christmas/my birthday. 

This day was hard. I won't go into all the emotions I had felt that day, but it was a lot on both Mike and myself. I naturally researched my situation (I was not happy with the lack of info I got from the clinic) and found my fate was basically decided. I just wanted it to be over with, but I had to get thru Christmas and the weekend before I could figure out a path forward. 

Then, my appt came and turns out it was supposed to be bloodwork only. I went back up to the desk and wanted to speak to my midwife. What was next? I just keep on living with the baby inside me dying until it as magically over one day? Luckily, I got to see my midwife and I told her I wanted this over as quick as possible. Pending my bloodwork, she said we could schedule a procedure. 

I got a call from her the next day, and even though my bloodwork showed my HCG was dropping, that there needed to be no heartbeat before moving forward. This just kept dragging on and emotionally I was just done with it. But at the same time I suffered guilt in that I knew there were far worse situations and this one was very common (as much as 1 in 4 pregnancies can result in miscarriage - many happen before a women even knows she is pregnant). But that is the very reason why I am sharing.. because it is common. It is not to scare anyone, especially, those that are trying to conceive. I tell you so you so you are prepared. It could be your sister, your best friend, your wife, or maybe even your mother suffered thru pregnancy loss. Many times we don't even know someone has suffered such a thing since they haven't shared the news with everyone yet (another reason why many don't share the news until the second tri when miscarriage rates dramatically go down). Or maybe we find out later when they get their rainbow baby (baby after a miscarriage). Whatever the case may be, building a family is so damn hard. 

Some have a hard time conceiving, some have a hard time getting to the second tri, some deliver earlier than expected, some have another little one or two at home, some have a spouse on deployment or lots of travel, whatever the hardship may be a support system is absolutely necessary. I am so grateful for mine. While this was one of the hardest things I have dealt with, it was a whole lot easier with my family and friends. My husband by my side and our son keeping us smiling was exactly what I needed during this time. I became even more humbled and grateful for my pregnancy and delivery with Maddox. I also felt more pain for all that have dealt with pregnancy loss or pregnancy difficulty. I also felt angry at society for lack of support for pregnant women and mothers. I became infuriated with abortion laws and all the nonsense with them right now. I won't go into it, but my body my choice. We are trying to build a healthy family and when we are told the baby is not viable- why in the world would I want to drag that on when we have science available to end my pain sooner?(I do understand those that would rather a more natural process and/or need time to process it) but for me it was torture. 

I kept anticipating my miscarriage to take place and couldn't stand the idea of not knowing. I wanted it to be over. Finally, I had another stat ultrasound on the 29th. There was no more heartbeat. They were able to schedule a procedure the very next day. I was relieved. Thank you science. Usually, I would be all about natural, but this was wearing me down. Not knowing when I would miscarry, not knowing how bad it would be, I was terrified. It could be days it could be weeks, I could still need medical treatment if it wasn't complete. I do not regret my decision. 

 Anyway, the procedure went as well as it could. The nurses were incredibly supportive and empathetic. The doctor was professional and matter of fact. He relayed that this was normal and nothing Mike and I could have done different (which I would hope he would say considering Mike and I try to healthy lives).I teared up as I was ten weeks pregnant that morning and would usually be celebrating another week closer to the second tri. And now, I was no longer pregnant. 2 months of taking extra care of my body. 2 months of first tri symptoms. 2 months of excitement of the future. And in 2 months it was all over. I am feeling better and I feel stronger than before. I am thankful for the people in my corner and I feel closer to my family for they are everything to me. I guess this is why we need pain in our lives, so that we may see the world a little bit different and be that much more grateful for what we do have- but it definitely still hurts! For anyone that has dealt with pregnancy loss, pregnancy difficulty, and postpartum trouble, I see you and you are not alone. Keep going mamas!